May 2013
1 post
Subject: STOP using that card YOU DIP!!!
Dearest Child-O-Mine,
STOP using that card, YOU DIP!!!! You know the one I mean. The American Express card. I got you a NEW card what you can use. I just activated it. It is a Citi Mastercard. Here are the numbers you will need to use the card until you get the actual card upon returning home. [Numbers blahblah] Until you get the card, you know, when you get home, you can use the American...
April 2013
3 posts
1 tag
Me: It's hard to break up a male relationship
Kathy: I know, I watch Seinfeld.
4 tags
2 tags
March 2013
6 posts
2 tags
“Is this Ella?”
– Richie asking if Adele was singing while listening to dark dark dark
2 tags
1 tag
2 tags
2 tags
7 tags
February 2013
5 posts
3 tags
5 tags
2 tags
1 tag
“You don’t give her enough credit, she could be like war dog. You know like...”
– Richie
2 tags
“I could eat 25 snickers bars and a gallon of gravy every day. I could live off...”
– Riche
January 2013
7 posts
2 tags
Driving To The City
Richie: That's a nice car. Do you know what kind of car that is?
Kathy: LAB! Oh, the car?
2 tags
Anonymous asked: I feel weird following your blog even though I barely know you but still it is awesome and hilarious and brings joy and a positive sense of humanity and "family" or whatever or something to my tumblaaar. That sweater pic is cracking me up. Keep on rockin' in the free world.
2 tags
“A robin singing in the fall, it doesn’t make sense.”
– Richie (watching Forrest Gump)
“It’s gonna blow up like a poisoned dog”
– Richie (re: my ass with age)
December 2012
6 posts
“Why don’t you just put an arrow through your head get it over with”
– Richie (re: getting my ear pierced)
“I have a green light so I’ll just run over them”
– Kathy
“There are too many cats now they should gas them”
– Richie (in response to telling him that I’m planning to adopt a cat)
November 2012
9 posts
“Can someone take the taps off her shoes?”
– Richie (re: Molly’s talons on the hardwood floor)
Driving Over the Tappan Zee Bridge
Kath: How did George Washington cross the Hudson with horses?
Rich: George Washington didn't cross the Hudson he crossed the Delaware.
Kath: No, he crossed this one too.
Rich: No, he didn't.
Kath: Well some guys did. How did they do that with horses?
Rich: They took the ferry. Some of them grew fins.
Kath: Can't you answer seriously? You watch all those war movies, at least you could learn something. How did the horses cross the river?
Rich: To get to the other side.
“Miley Cyrus is younger than you? You’re so much better than Miley Cyrus,...”
– Kath giving thanks
Subject: Cest Moi Entre Vou
Dearest French-o-File,
I forgot I wanted to give you some pointed suggestions on how to comport yourself on the way home. Remember, you will be flying FIRST CLASS and that comes with certain responsibilities which should come very naturally to you as they involve exuding benevolent superiority. I implore you, DON’T do your usual Olivia bullshit and arrive just in time. You need to be there...
Subject: Cest Moi
Dearest Frenchofile-Child-O-Mine,
I understand you’re in Nice. I hope you’re having a Nice time. Do your self a favor and go up the coast one town over to Nephew. It’s a great place, if you’re a boy, but you should go anyway. On your way back you should stop off at Uncle. Cousin’s nice too but not as nice as Nice. Then there’s Step Sister (pronounced steep-...
October 2012
6 posts
“I’m gonna carve the pumpkin out and put it over my head…..you know...”
– Richie (re: hurricane preparations)
Anonymous asked: i don't get it.
“If I had a Facebook, I’d learn how to do everything and then I’d do...”
– Richie
September 2012
4 posts
“Look at how they wear those outfits in the 1800s. Interesting”
– Kath on the phone with me distracted by the TV
Subject: Pointers From Daddy
Dearest Child - O -Mine,
In 1492, Alexander Graham Bell made his first phone call to his pal upstairs, not
unlike the way you and your mother call each other when home. It was after 9
o’clock at night and the first phone call went something like this: “Hello?” “Yeah,
hi….Larry?” “Yeah…who’s this?” “Larry, it’s Al…from...
August 2012
3 posts
Richie's Comments on the Second Half of Harry...
Richie: Can you understand what they're saying? All I got was "mirror".
Richie: Jeez that ghost has a short fuse. Can you poke her eye if she comes real close?
Me: No.
Richie: You can't? She can fly right through you, but you can't touch her?
Me: Yeah.
Richie: Well that isn't fair.
Richie: This looks like a pickers dream, this place. How did [Harry] know to look in that little box of all things to find?
Riche: Why doesn't [Voldemort] just come there? Because she has her little stick?
Richie: Oh good one of those little flying things.
Richie: HARRY POTTAAAAAAHHHHH
Richie: The guy with the sweater vest is gone.
Richie: Uh oh, he's the bad guy I can tell by his hair.
Richie: Does he grow a nose at the end? Please tell me he grows a nose at the end. I wanna see him with a nose just once!
Richie: (while the gang tries to figure out where the snake is) How bout some snake food? He's gotta eat, I mean, right?
Richie: Why'd [Voldemort] kill that guy? I guess he was in one of his moods.
Richie: With all that power you'd think he'd get himself a nose and some teeth, get those teeth fixed.
Richie: They have some powerful sticks. Why don't they just shoot the guy with their sticks?
Richie: I don't like it when they say extra ordinary it makes it sound like it's extra ordinary not extraordinary, don't you agree?
Richie: Witches can't cry. Collecting his tears? What about a urine sample, will that do anything?
Richie: That Johnny No-Nose, he's really strict, isn't he?
Richie: Wow, they really made a mess of dumble- uhh...hog- what's it called? Hogland.
Richie: They all sound like plants, I read a plant book once and they all had names like this.
Richie: Do all the good people come back to life at the end?
Me: No.
Richie: Who's that?
Me: One of the twins.
Richie: Oh, well at least they have a spare.
Richie: Do they have any regular rooms in this place? Every room has a door, a ghost, or a portable sink.
Richie: (referring to Harry as a baby) Is that spanky?
Me: Yeah.
Richie: His nose! That's where it went! His nose is in Harry!
Richie: You know, they stole that from Kung Pow, those triangles in his hand.
Harry: Why are you here? All of you?
Richie: Well it's the last movie!
Richie: Okay, he doesn't need his glasses cause he's dead. Alright, movie's over. All's well that ends well.
Richie: A bit snivley, isn't he, this Harry Potter?
Richie: Oh, let's just get this over. Go back and kill those bastards and get it over with.
Richie: (As Dumbledore's walking away) "I'm late for my pedicure."
Richie: I bet you sweaterboy kills the snake.
Richie: You'd think he woulda checked to make sure that he was dead.
Richie: Oh, he's got the fish tooth.
Richie: SWEATERBOY! I knew he'd come through.
Richie: The fancy stick! He's got the fancy stick. What do you call it?
Me: Uhh...
Richie: Fancy stick's good enough.
Richie: (As Voldemort's dying) Uh oh, somebody suddenly has skin problems! That's it? He disintegrates? That's it.
Richie: (As Harry teeters precariously on the edge of a high precipice) Isn't there someplace else he can stand?
Richie: That's all it takes to break the magic wand? You just break it in half?
Richie: That's a well kept train. So proud!
Richie: And what adventures will their own spawn be involved with? I guess we'll have to find out, huh?
Richie: Harry Potter and the Colostomy Bag about 35 years from now.
